Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
