wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize