i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
