I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
