My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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