he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize