This is not my ceiling
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
