also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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