true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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