cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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