I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
