i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
