apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
