today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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