Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
