after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
