Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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