I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
