He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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