I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
