I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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