i already hear my dad disowning me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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