Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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