If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
