smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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