just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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