Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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