you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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