get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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