Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
