Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
