Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
