I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize