How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
