By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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