Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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