I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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