The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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