i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
