i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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