I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize