Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
