At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
