The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
