Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
