If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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