If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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