i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize