Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
