the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
