matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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