My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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