Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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