So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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