idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
