I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
