Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
