I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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