So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
